Trading Business & Blogs for Love Letters
The biggest flex I could make was (and is) following my guidance and genuine desire instead of everything my old patterning tells me I should be doing.
The desire : Write love letters to my husband, play games with my family, go for long walks and swims at the beach with my dog, watch cute shows that make me laugh & cry.
The guidance : Let myself learn how to receive more than ever before… from my husband especially, and to let myself feel fully taken care of (without controlling how much, how, when, by who)… without feeling like I need to “work” for it.
*This has potentially been the longest & hardest lesson of my life. I’ve had to submit to the total slow down flow of my business to even be able to get to this place of realizing that this is the most important lesson for me right now.
And, to be able to be in the space where I could bring my subconscious desires to my conscious with full permission.
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As someone who was already only working 10 hours tops a week, it was surprisingly challenging for me to surrender into working even less. For some time there were little (and big) inklings of “I should start to figure things out now” and “ I should get back to work now” and even “if I do this maybe things will go back to how they were before.”
It took focus to stay present with where I was at, what I *really* wanted and the guidance (and desire) to not work.
As a result…
I’ve been trading my business brainstorming & blogs for love letters.
The level of trust I’ve had to cultivate so far is mind blowing. The first year of this journey, I didn’t know what it was or why….
All I knew is it felt like everything I knew and most of how I felt a sense of value was being stripped away - slowly and steadily.
I questioned what I was doing wrong many times. I didn’t understand why my consistent upward trajectory income wise and with waitlists and potential clients reaching out became stagnant. I thought that I hadn’t really changed (which wasn’t true) aside from getting even better at what I do, so I couldn’t understand WHY.
I really, really wanted to figure it out so I could “fix” it.
I tried to make guesses as to why it was happening, and in the process of chaos and uncertainty I was led to learning SO much about myself, and ended up healing a lifetime of identity shaping trauma.
I walked the path of preparation for my biggest dream… only my true dream/desire wasn’t what I thought it was, and the path of preparation was drastically different than I thought.
I thought my desire was a Queendom where my business got bigger and bigger - co-creating, guiding and impacting more women, making more money, having more rich experiences…
I had already experienced it all (supporting thousands of humans from over 15 countries, making well over a million in revenue, speaking on stages, hosting luxury retreats, and traveling the world with my beloved Soulmate Clients) and it was truly beautiful … so the next step must be …. More & bigger … right?!
Turns out it was the opposite. A dream my conscious mind never once let me see or know my ENTIRE life until now.
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You see I grew up with a highly independent spirit (likely a combo of trauma, first child energy, mixed with soul path). I never wanted to get married and was driven to help others & be epically financially responsible.
Definitely a “I don’t need a man” with a sprinkle of “It’s best not to need anyone” scenario.
When I started to date more seriously, I’d typically be with guys who didn’t make a lot (not that I did at the time either … but I was jedi master good at making a lot out of a little). I dated guys who were the salt of the earth, so when a desire arose my mind would sound like “well, I want this experience so I’ll pay for it” or “I don’t want to have to sacrifice that so I’ll just take care of it.”
Basically controlling the situation to ensure I got what I wanted with as little risk of being disappointed as possible.
Then I dated the inevitable “one before the one” - you know, one of those ones that no doubt made my family cringe with concern. He quickly started living at my house (rent free) and when Valentine’s Day came around, for the first time ever (prob because I had never believed I could have/receive it from someone else), I finally let myself want some of the stereotypical v’day goodies.
And… I got it. All of it. The jewelry, flowers, chocolate… it felt so nice! “Wow, I can be spoiled and treated!”
Then… I got my credit card statement.
He’d used my own credit card for ALL of it.
This reinforced my mindset of:
If I want it, I need to take care of it myself
I need to control how & how much I let myself receive from a partner because I’ll end up having to pay for it anyway
Clearly this was my kink, because before my now husband and I got married …. I bought my own engagement ring (and proposed), and I felt the need to pay off all our exes debt that was connected to him. *to be clear he never asked for either.*
I was also 100% the woman who covered my husband through my business so he wouldn’t have to work a job he didn’t like (and so that we could travel when I wanted because he wasn’t tied to a job).
We were young and my need to control my “freedom” and finances was more than I could have recognized at the time.
So, as you can imagine, it never crossed my mind to dare to dream of having my husband take care of me financially.
*Note to say that I started to see a lot of parallels between how I let myself (or didn’t let myself) receive from my husband AND from God.
**Additional note to say that my husband took and takes care of me in every other way, in the most epic ways (also more than I could have imagined). He is spectacular and was already next level King style before any of this next stuff happened. This made it clear there was something about receiving money in particular, rather than receiving other kinds of support.
To be fair, I’ve always had a great deal of trust in God, but I can see now how it was 80% trust.
Like, I trusted I’d always have enough… as long as I did x, y, z (keep putting myself out there in a certain way, do a bunch of embodiment practices, keep working and being really strategic) to keep that going.
I could NEVER be 100% taken care of simply by being me. Now, logically I believed it was possible, I’ve certainly helped myself and others build beautiful, successful businesses based on the principle of being ourselves (and actually being WAY more fully expressed).
But, there was a limit and hidden rules for me in what that looked like.
Now I’m in a place where I’ve let go beyond what’s comfortable or what makes sense.
I hit the point of realization that I can’t embody this energy of trust & surrender and simultaneously try and figure out how I'm going to MAKE everything work at the same time.
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I had already cut back my work considerably (which, again, says a lot because I usually only work 10ish hours a week anyway), and in May I was guided to take a couple weeks totally OFF. No brainstorming, no figuring things out, no appointments (not even with my mentors or mastermind), and mostly no social media.
Honestly, I was nervous. The idea of having no distractions (business, social media etc.) for such a long period of time felt a little (lot) daunting. I’m used to a lot of space but this felt above and beyond.
I was not so secretly hoping that after I’d feel all excited and inspired to go back to work again but alas….
I felt a sweeter, deeper acceptance with my true desire which was to be okay exactly where I was at - with no need to do anything to put myself out there, attract clients, reach more people with new high value content or plan out my next year of offerings.
Instead, to keep supporting my wonderful clients, writing love letters, walking my dog and swimming at the beach. No more, no less.
For as long as it was going to take. For as long as I was guided.
Cutting back my time working by 95% and also letting go of whatever future income I’d normally have flowing in.
Full trust that I’d be taken care of in some magical way without doing any work.
3 months later and I wrote the above, when I was at the end of my savings (that’d been covering my ass the last year+ as I let things slow down, but kept my lifestyle and expenses the same in the hopes that things would go back to “normal” right away) I was at the point where I actually didn’t know how some upcoming expenses would be paid (without using my line of credit, which I was open to but really didn’t desire to use).
I can’t tell you how hard it was for me to have this experience with money as someone who has always been so good with it. I did NOT understand why I couldn’t learn whatever the lesson was WHILE making great money and rocking my business. I definitely experienced some shame here.
I finally reduced my expenses A LOT, both personally and in my business (which actually felt quite empowering once I got over the ego and resistance of it), and…. I still had a small deficit if I wanted to keep eating out (morning coffee outings are an important highlight of my life), getting my nails done, paying for gas and some other actual necessities.
My mentor challenged me to share my budget with my husband and to ask for support in brainstorming how I could bridge or close this gap.
This felt wildly vulnerable and uncomfortable.
I guessed that if I sent it to him he might suggest not getting my nails or eyelashes done… in essence to cut back more (especially more luxury self care things) - because that’s how I thought.
I secretly wanted him to cover those things for me but simultaneously didn’t want him to offer because I also still had some distrust in being taken care of and receiving without ending up having to pay for it later (as in he’d cover me, but on his credit card that I’d end up wanting to pay off later).
One morning I said “f it, I’m just going to send him my spreadsheet while he's at work and see what happens.”
Within a few minutes I was sitting outside bawling. Straight up ugly crying.
He had responded with “I can take care of all your self care.”
THEN
“I could pay the utilities too” …. For the next year.
It hit me so hard. The fact that he used the words “take care of” and that he didn’t start with the practical things like utilities, but instead went right to self care…. It was like all the healing of this pattern had landed in a way that I didn’t really believe was possible for me.
I had no idea how badly I wanted to feel taken care of in this way until this moment as I sat crying my eyes out.
Plus, the fact that he had taken the time to look at his finances and see what could reasonably be taken care of and for how long - it melted me, completely.
*Another side note to mention that I don’t believe this would have been possible if we hadn’t of had an honest conversation about money boundaries last year where I chose to stop enabling the pattern/codependency. That allowed him to step up big time with his money.
I’m now on my 6th month of not working (aside from deeply supporting the clients I already had… which doesn’t feel like work.).
And….
I’m feeling inspired and creative and excited to share from this whole new way of being.
I’ve received a new engagement ring and wedding ring from my husband. We’ve celebrated our 10 year anniversary.
I feel a whole new level of trust that I am taken care of, no matter what.
I feel a deeper level of trust and feminine energy with Garret.
I no longer see numbers as a source or indicator of my success or value.
Because numbers (like $, clients, followers, etc.) aren’t leading the way, I can release any last bits of strategy and “perfection” as my initial go-to’s.
I feel reconciliation within myself on how to move forward with a successful, ethical, integral business in these crazy, paradoxical and chaotic times.
I’ve experienced successfully moving past my financial “unsafe 0” and not only have I been totally okay and all bills have been paid but I’ve received some of my greatest desires (some of which were $$$). Miracles and money magic… plus, I actually don’t need a certain amount of money to feel safe anymore.
And, as a result of the trauma healing that’s been able to happen in this spaciousness….
I’m closer to my family than ever before (inc. having healing conversations).
I feel so much more acceptance for all the different parts of myself (esp. The parts where I previously had judgment or shame).
I’m more in touch with my body and my feelings and no longer have the need to push through in order to survive.
I am more in touch with and willing to hear + give myself my honest desires, no matter what they are.
I feel much less concerned about what other people will think about me, and therefore an increased opening in uncensored expression.
I feel more free than ever before.
These things all mean I have an even greater capacity to go even deeper with clients into their judgements, shame, abandoned parts of self, feelings and into their true desires.
I feel so clear now that when I claimed the concepts of Work Less, Receive More and Receiving without Sacrifice, that anywhere I subconsciously believed I had to work to receive, or where I had to settle or sacrifice came to the surface to be cleared so I could be an even fuller embodiment of these truths.
For this I will forever be grateful.
(But, honestly, I wouldn’t have been able to say that when I was in the think of it :P )
Now I am fully feeling the bustling of excitement within my being for what is here and what’s coming - I can feel how good it’s going to be with all the growth, lessons and next level embodiment that have sunk in. I can feel myself starting to bring my energy outward again…
And, I'm not rushing it, any of it.
Xox Allison
