Nov 17

Nov 17 The One Thing No One Talks About When It Comes to Coaching

Business, Personal Growth, Relationships

There’s a lot that’s been coming to the surface and discussed about entrepreneurship and coaching. The behind-the-scenes look at money, attraction, magic and more (all my fave things!).

But, there’s something that hasn’t been talked about because… well it’s a little uncomfortable, and today I’d like to shine some light on it.

I’ve witnessed it from all sides of the coin.

Earlier this year I was on a plane ride alone to Bali. A few days after landing I was no longer alone but alongside 20 other women. We were all in Nisha Moodley’s Inner Sisterhood Circle. The energy of Bali was intense.

It tossed us around as we basked in the beauty of our surroundings. This was the first time many of us had met in person and instead of spending our week together in deep conversation with each other most of us had to whisk ourselves away to privacy after our workshops together. Not because we didn’t want to hang out with each other, but because we were in the depths of our own personal work.

For many, it took months and months after that retreat to recoup. To feel integrated into our new level of “normal.” For many that experience was challenging and might have even felt like a breakdown. And, there is almost always a breakdown before a breakthrough.

Why? Because, there were deep internal shifts that happened in Bali. A letting go of who we aren’t and what we don’t want, and a stepping into our higher selves. There's stretching and growing, and just like a teenager's growth spurt... it's uncomfortable. It’s one thing to be among other women in a safe little container to experience this, it’s a totally other thing to go back home and be back in everyday life.

I remember thinking to myself, “It must be hard for Nisha to see these women she cares so much about having a hard time. It must be even harder as a coach to know these women are right in the midst of their transformation and yet, the majority of their time in this circle could be felt as frustrating, hard, overwhelming, sad and many other feelings.”

I also thought to myself, “she does such an amazing job of holding space for us even when we are in those places, of not making it about her, and trusting that we are exactly where we are meant to be, experiencing exactly what we are meant to be experiencing.”

Of course, there was also the ego talking – saying things like “I don’t want that, I don’t want my clients to have a hard time. I want everything to feel happy and light and joyful.”

That was my first big lesson, or rather, activation of desire to be able to get more comfortable with other’s discomfort. To hold space in all the evolutions and stages of deep transformation. The deep transformation that inevitably brings a greater capacity to feel joy, and happiness and inevitably also goes hand in hand with feeling fear, pain, stretching, sadness.

*As someone who feels others emotions, often even before they do, up until last year I had found it extremely difficult to be with other’s discomfort. I wanted more than anything to make them happy, to help them to feel better. And, if I couldn’t, I made it about me – my inability to do a “good job.”

It’s easy as a coach, especially when reading all these “success stories,” to feel like you aren’t doing a good job if your clients are having a hard time. (This is why I way prefer to work with my clients for a longer time period – to support them through the up, the down and the back up again. This is also why I also ensure clients have support after retreats.)

It’s easy to feel like the work you’ve done together won’t have a lasting impact when there was a big shift, followed by a time of challenging integration for your client. All we hear about is the success stories. We don’t see all that goes on behind-the-scenes both in the client’s world and in the coach’s world on the way to success and even right after big successes.

This leaves us feeling like we are the only ones experiencing this – on either side of the experience. But, we aren’t.

A few weeks ago I hosted a retreat on the Big Island of Hawaii for the Sexified Success Circle (my yearly mastermind for business babes). Landing there together felt SO good. The house was beautiful, and stepping outside brought us to lava, ocean waves, surfers and the most gorgeous sunsets.

There was hugging, laughter, cuddles, skinny dipping, delicious food and… so much release and healing.

It brings me to tears just thinking about each of these women sharing during their sessions, revealing themselves in ways they never had before and allowing themselves to be ALL of who they are. To step into their full potential.

There was this one moment that I truly felt was one of the most beautiful moments in ALL of time. I felt the healing for these women, and also for our ancestors and women and men across the world. It was because of this group coming together at this time, at this place that all of this could happen. Everyone literally looked different – brighter, glowier, taller, lighter – leaving. We all felt so alive!

But, like in any situation, when there is this much depth, this much feeling, this much healing, it’s not unusual for upper limiting to happen, for integration to be tricky. For the comedown of reality to hit hard. It can be challenging for the commitment to that change, to being that woman they want to be, to remain strong.

why?

Because it’s uncomfortable.

Because there isn’t light without darkness, and there isn’t darkness without light.

I’ve learned that I need to trust each client’s (as well as friend's, family members, and my own) process.

*It’s important to add that we all process things differently, and how we process things can change depending on where we are at. Two people having the exact same experience can process things completely differently – one may not have a hard time and at all, and another might, just depending on the lessons and experiences they need at that time.

Of course, I still have to do my best to guide them through when asked, but it’s not for me to say what their journey needs to look like. It’s not for me to try and take away the lessons they may need to learn.It’s not for me to keep them comfortable, potentially preventing them from the greatness on the other side of challenge.

I wanted to share this with you so you can know that even if you are doing the best job you possibly can (and quite possibly, especially if you are doing a really great job) your clients aren’t going to be feeling 110% all the time. This is normal. This is good. Your job in all of this is to be right there beside them in the celebrations and in the challenging bits. When it’s challenging just keep holding them and seeing them on the other side. Let them know it's normal and to be expected (if you anticipate it with the type of work you're doing).

And, if you’re the one going through the challenging time, give yourself time to reflect on what you’re learning, what you’re preparing yourself for, and for what you see on the other side – and then share it with your coach, your best friend or lover. Let them know where you’re at and ask them for what you need for support as you move through it.