Ending Patterns of Sacrifice and Settling
Settling and sacrifice are likely holding you back even more than you are aware of in your business, in receiving support, in who you call in as clients, and in the rest of your life too.
On one of my recent Lives in the Living Richly Lounge, I really dug into this topic, and I knew I had to share it here too. (If you prefer to watch or listen rather than read, head on over to YouTube to catch the recording.)
Let’s start by identifying what sacrifice and settling really are and what they can look like in your life.
Sacrifice
There are actually TWO types of sacrifice, which is why people often end up sacrificing things way more than they need to. Business owners and successful people often preach that they had to sacrifice a lot to get where they are at now, and the message permeates society without clarification on what kind of sacrifice they’re talking about.
One type is essential for our growth, evolution and fulfilling success, while the other takes us away from it.
Sacred Sacrifice
This is the kind of sacrifice that is really required for our growth and evolution. It’s where our body and soul guide us to releasing something that we know is for our highest good, fulfillment, joy and success. It may still be hard to let go of, but we know it’s what we truly want and need.
For example: You've had this self destructive friend since you were a kid. You love this person, but after continuously crossing boundaries and hijacking your life, you know it’s time to let them go. You care about them and you still know it’s a sacred sacrifice for you and for them.
You can love something and still know with your whole being it’s not the best for you and where you want to go.
Sabotage Sacrifice
This is what I consider a “nobody wins” sacrifice. It’s where you *think* you need to choose between two things that you deeply desire, value and love (or between two aspects of yourself). Nobody wins by you sacrificing one of those things (or both). You don’t grow from letting it go.
You just don’t believe that you can have it all.
In this scenario, you are actually sabotaging yourself from having/experiencing/doing what you really desire.
For example: You love to get all cozied up and watch a good show on tv. You always have. It inspires you, brings you ideas, helps you process things, and reminds you of lessons. But you keep hearing that all these successful people don’t watch tv, and when you tap into your Higher Self, she’s out there creating and doing the damn thing… so you figure you have to completely stop watching tv. You now need to be this totally new person that never watches tv in order to get where you want to go. You believe you have to sacrifice the part of you that loves to cozy up, rest, be inspired and entertained in order to be successful (which, btw, will compound your guilt or frustration when you have moments of wanting to watch tv or worse yet, when you actually do watch tv, causing you to want to check out and watch it even more). In reality, you can do and be both.
You can love watching tv for a couple of episodes and create an awesome program, adventure outside and do whatever else you love - being totally successful... all without the weight of guilt or shame.
Settling
This is where you are clear on what you want but either:
You believe you can’t be/do/have it
You don’t believe you deserve it/are worthy of it
You’re scared of what will happen if you do have it
Your ego convinces you that you don’t really know what you want because of one of the reasons above
Here’s the thing though - there are layers.
I’ve been speaking on stages and in groups on ending the sacrifice paradigm for years. I’ve even shared how I'm so committed to not sacrificing or settling that I had 2 weddings so my husband and I could each do what we wanted.
And…
Last week I was face down on a massage table sobbing with grief and release at the new awareness of how much I was still settling - grieving at the awareness of how deeply ingrained was my belief that no matter how clearly I said what I wanted, no matter how clearly I said “no!” or “yes,” that it wouldn’t be listened to anyway.
In subtle and not so subtle ways, I learned that there was no point asking for what I really wanted because I wouldn’t get it anyway.
So, when good things showed up or were received, I took that as a celebration and said good was good enough. It was the best I had ever experienced, so for all I knew, it was the best that existed for me.
It’s like I thought I could see amazing without glasses, until I put on the perfect prescription glasses and the whole world got clearer.
There are layers of healing and work to do, and as we do them, new layers of awareness and “better” reveal themselves.
And when we can see clearly, there may be temptation to stick with the good because great still feels uncertain.
Trust becomes essential, because in a world of “needs” and survival, it’s easy to fall back into getting what we can get. Trusting that our wild desires will be met is the only thing that keeps us from settling.
Trusting that the better client, the Soul Mate Clients will show up and that it’s safe to say “no” to those who are not that (especially when the money would be helpful).
Trusting that the unicorn assistant that will go above and beyond exists and it’s safe to wait for them instead of hiring the good person right in front of you (after doing 6 interviews with bad fits).
Trusting that if you honour your path, your partner will rise up with you (or they won’t, but something or someone better will).
It’s a path full of uncertainty, until you get there. And, when you get there, there will be the next place to go.
So, here are a few steps in the right direction when it comes to sacrificing and settling less.
1. Let yourself dream.
Our egos can swiftly come in and tell us all the beliefs of why that won’t work out, but give yourself permission to ignore those for X minutes or hours or days and just see what comes to the surface when you feel into your uncensored desires.
2. Declare your desires.
Name them. Out loud. On paper. Speak it out clearly.
3. Decide.
Decide you can have it. Decide you are worthy of it. Decide it’s possible. You will undoubtedly experience all those doubtful thoughts. Keep deciding.
4. Surround yourself with the right people.
Surround yourself with people who remind you that you decided, that you can have it, that you are worthy. Surround yourself with others on this path too. You may not all be going to the same places but the ultimate destination of experiencing uncensored desires (without settling or sacrificing) is the same. Let them in.
5. Catch yourself when you aren’t all in and name that too.
Give the doubts and fears a moment of space if they need it, and then keep going forward.
Where do you find yourself on this journey right now? What are you noticing?
xox,
Allison
P.S. - If you’re a gifted coach, healer or consultant who’s amazing at what you do (sometimes too good, to the point where you’re overgiving, over-delivering and overworking) and you’re feeling the pull to expand your business and create your greatest work yet… all while:
living more/better
making more/better
settling & sacrificing less
surrounding yourself with common (big) goaled sisterhood
and receiving world class support & mentorship
The 2020/2021 Living Richly Mastermind will be open for applications soon. If you’d like to join the waitlist (which may just include some extra perks *wink wink*) just click here.
